I hesitated for a long time in regards to announcing my pregnancy (and am at this moment fairly hesitant about posting this for anyone to read) I was 3 weeks, 6 days pregnant when we found out we were expecting a baby. At first I tried to pretend that it was not a big deal and then I cried. I cried for a long time, by myself, curled into the tiniest ball I could form with my body. I was ashamed that even though we had done everything we were supposed to do to prevent accidental babies we were having one. I was ashamed that I work at Starbucks as a barista for little over minimum wage. I was ashamed to admit that I am selfish.I thought about how I had just received my acceptance letter to graduate school; how I had my life planned. I thought about money and logistics and child care costs. I thought about becoming a food source. I thought about how it would never be possible for me to love my family any more than I did at that moment. I thought about how I might never see the world . And then I thought about how my parents would react to the idea of becoming grandparents. I thought about how having a baby would ruin everything.
Every night for weeks I would wake up in a panic from the first nightmares I have experienced in quite a few years, sobbing into my pillow and Guy would wake up and hold me and tell me that we would figure it out and for weeks, I didn’t believe him. And then it came time to tell people, other people that weren’t just the two of us. On Christmas Eve we told my family. My mom cried and my dad leaned down, introducing himself to his future grandchild and my brother was surprised but genuinely excited. And I couldn’t figure out why everyone was so happy. I was miserable.
And then I started to think that maybe we could make it work. If this many people already loved this kid and it wasn’t even here yet, then maybe just maybe we could make it work. That feeling lasted for a couple of days. It would come and go. Some days I would think about baby names and baby clothes and tiny baby fingers. Most days I would just think about how my life was crashing down around me. What a terrible Mom I must be already to not love to little bean that was growing inside of me. Everyday up until my next doctor’s appointment I thought “maybe next time they check there won’t be anything in there”. It will just have been one grand mistake. There it was a quick steady little heartbeat and part of me was excited. Slowly but doubtfully I started to let myself contemplate what life with a child of my own would be like. There will be dirty diapers of course and very little sleep but there will also be that wonderful milky baby smell. There will be crying and spit up but there will also be laughter.
After many, many tear filled conversations with my mother (oh thank god for mothers) I have decided that growing and having a baby may be the greatest adventure of all. Its different for everyone so no matter how many other women have gone through it, no one can tell you what it’s like but its also a journey you never make alone because all along you’ve got someone with you, someone you’re getting to know, even before they are born. And so now 4 ½ months into all of this I am leaving myself open, open to a new life, open to new challenges, open to possibly the greatest adventure of all time.
I do love this kid. I must because everyday I carefully avoid anything I’ve been told may do harm. Sushi (oh how I miss thee), lunch meat, bleach, heavy lifting, dehydration, second hand smoke. I take my vitamins and suffer through the heart burn and think about how if I’m lucky I’ll have a whole lifetime to even the score, by showing future love interests naked baby pictures and obnoxious home videos.
Today, I sit and think about you , little guppy. Will you be a boy or a girl? Will you be logical like your father? Will you have my short fuse? Will you be tall or short? Will you love to read? Or to draw? Or build? I don’t know yet but two things are certain. 1: There are a lot of people in this world that love you, no matter who you turn out to be and 2: You are a Chicago Cubs fan from birth (undeniably).
Photo Credit: Erin Oneil