You still shock me. That you live and breathe and laugh and cry startles me. Soon I will be finished with my master’s degree and I will have to get a job. I know it is for the best; I want to give you everything you need and those things you so desperately want, at least the ones that will give you opportunities to do what you love and be. Despite this, I find that I am already mourning the loss of our seemingly endless time together. These last 26 1/2 months have been such a graceful thing full of many many mistakes on my part, but more so a lot of learning. I still don’t know what I’m doing and for that I feel the need to apologize. For better or worse, you are the first (maybe only) child which mean every single day is uncharted territory. We try to do our best, even if that means one too many time outs. My patience runs thin, sometimes I bark at you instead of biting my tongue. Secretly, your insolence delights me. I’m not sure I will feel the same way when you are 15 and not quite as innocent, but for now I frequently find my mouth quirking as I scold your bad behavior. You are stubborn but I think someday that will be an asset. Every time you do something “bull-headed” someone undoubtedly turns to me and says “I wonder where she gets that from” and of course they blame me but I find pleasure in knowing that you will stick up for yourself, the people you love and the things which you believe in.
We start each day as a new thing, fresh and palpable, knowing that so much can be in a short amount of time and that time it turns out is more of a gift than sometimes realized. Lately I find myself spending more time ignoring the other things I need to do so I can hold you. It not a sacrifice, just a fact. Someday, you will outgrow my lap. At the rate you are growing, you are going to be a least a few inches taller than me. Even so, I hope you are never too old to crawl into bed next to me. Next week you are spending a week bouncing back and forth between both sets of grandparents. A week. What was I thinking when I agreed to that? Well, I was thinking I need to finish my thesis. I’m pretty sure its the last time anyone will have you to themselves for an extended period of time. Time is fleeting- cliche but also true. Four years ago you were a thought, a whisper in the dark about baby clothes. Three years ago you were a poppy seed just beginning to be. Two years ago you were a newborn baby, still fresh and folded up with the memory of life on the inside. One year ago you were just learning to really walk, unsteady at first, but more sure of yourself everyday. Now, you are you and you tell me what you need, who you are what you love and what you don’t. Please know, I love you desperately, more than I ever thought I could love a single person and I want everything for you.